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I’ve had a few really awful days, I was considered high risk of PND anyway and it hit like a sledgehammer on Wednesday, I don’t want to leave the house, I certainly can’t without Matt, I don’t want to see anyone or do anything and I’ve started to feel so angry, why did Isobel have to go? I’m also finding that my tolerance for other people is waning, I don’t want to hear people say ‘it just wasn’t her/your time’ or ‘next time will be fine’ or worse, asking when I’m going back to work or saying that things will be back to normal soon, there is no such thing as normal anymore, I cant think of anything else but Isobel at the moment and on top of that, I dont want to think about anything else.
I feel like my life is split into Before Isobel and After Isobel. I just miss her so much, I spend half the day numb and the other half wanting to scream and cry that I need her back. I miss being pregnant too, I want my bump back but at the same time I’m scared and feel so awful that I failed Isobel, I couldn’t keep her safe like a mummy is supposed to and that makes me worry so much and I let my beautiful daughter down. I’ve always felt like I should be a mum, I know that sounds silly to some people but its what I’m here for, I’m designed to be a mum and it just feels like my purpose in life is disappearing, I’ve had so many miscarriages now and losing Isobel too, its making me questioning whether we should even try again in the future.
Sorry that was a real brain empty, I hope its ok, I just dont know what to think or do anymore.
xxx
Oh I’m so sorry to read that you are struggling but can relate to all the emotions you describe. It’s normal. I know hearing that doesn’t help. Nothing any of us can say will make it better but I hope you find some comfort talking to us, because we understand.
When I lost Grace I felt numb. I couldn’t sleep but I wanted to hide away. Sometimes I tried to carry on as “normal”, I had to because I already had my son, but it was painful. I could be with people and just feel incredibly alone. I think we could write a book with the insensitive comments people make, one’s that stick in my mind, “never mind we can have our 2nd baby together now” (it took me a further year to get pregnant), “you could donate your breastmilk to the hospital”. I have never been able to fully forgive some “friends” for how they behaved & how thoughtless they were.
All I can promise is that it does get better. I know that seems impossible now, I remember thinking it could never get better but it does. In time you learn to cope & the tears come less often. I think about Grace every day but I can smile now. Every now & then something catches me out and I’ll sob, but mostly you’ll cope & be happy.
Talk as much as you feel able. My grief hit badly after 6 months, I had counselling then which really helped. Just talking & crying every week, getting the emotions out, made me deal with things. The day of my last counselling session I discovered I was pregnant with Evie – she will be 2 at the end of the month.
Sorry for my long reply. I just want you to know that it’s OK to feel how you do. It’s not nice but it’s all part of this sad journey.
Take care. Always here to listen.
Max, x
Firstly , great big hugs to you. I’m sure the other ladies will agree that what you are feeling is totally normal. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time. Ignore the platitudes of other people (easier said than done). The most important lesson I learnt was to (try) to keep talking and not let it build up inside you.
We are all here to listen.
Sending you much love
ClareThank you, it does help to know that this is ‘normal’ – or at least as normal as life can be at the moment.
We see a counsellor twice a week at the moment, its definitely helping as we can go together and it gives us a place we can really open up. I did lose it completely with Matt yesterday, I was so horrible to him, I felt so low and so angry and he was in a the mind frame that he needed to keep busy and I know I was frustrating him as he was quite snappy, its the first time we’ve been in such very different ‘places’ and neither of us were feeling very supported or supportive, I’m so disgusted at what I said to him though, I got very upset and screamed that he can’t miss her as much as me because he didn’t know her, I had five months with her and he only had a day, I feel so dreadful that I said it as in some ways I’m the lucky one, I got to know our baby girl so much and it was a horribly insensitive thing to say. We did sit down and talk it all through which was good and I apologised for what I said and he did for snapping at me so we’re fine, I know we are strong enough to get through this it just feels very hard sometimes to actually imagine a time where this isn’t our entire life.
I just want her back, I want to hold her, I don’t like the way my emotions are changing to feeling angry and unfair, I know that many couple struggle to conceive at all and there are people far worse off than I am, I’m so lucky, I did get to meet my baby girl and I have a lovely, amazing partner who despite my vile moments is standing strong. At the same time I’m arguing with myself constantly, why did this happen to us? to me? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to mean Isobel had to say goodbye? I must have done something awful and I’m being punished for it, I’ve even thought that I must have been awful in a past life to deserve this, its all such a muddle in my head, I want to be able to blame myself or something so that I can focus all the anger at me/it but its just ‘one of those things’ according to the doctor, that we were ‘unlucky’ – Unlucky doesn’t come close, how is it fair, it shouldn’t have happened, she was our Rainbow and I miss her so much it hurts.
I really am venting here, so sorry if its too much, just tell me – my heads filling up so quickly I need to empty it and I like the privacy of this forum as opposed to the likes of Babycentre etc.
xx
Oh Katie
Once again I can relate to all your words the blame, the guilt, the tears, the not wanting to leave my bed, the anger and venting especially at people and their platitudes … As if they can even come close to understanding the complexities of the emotions you are feeling, sometimes i used to wish they wouldnt say anything as it didnt help it only made me more angry. I have since learnt not to suffer fools anymore and am less tolerant of many situations I would have previously put up with. I also now truely believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Jim and I grieved very differently too, early days I was a mess and he held it together then vice versa also I wanted to talk and he didn’t do found this forum a good way of venting and receiving the support which actually made me feel a little bit more normal. But in the long term it has drawn us closer as a couple as no one else in the world will understand ur pain better – even if we feel it differently at times.
Sorry if I have rambled on a bit but hope it has helped in some small way n keep talking Hun it honestly does help.
Hugs to you
Becs xxx
Hey Katie,
I read your posts while I was on my break at work today and was so saddened by what you were writing as I related to all your feelings. It’s so good that you are able to vent your emotions and if that’s what’s helping you then do what ever you need to.
Your feelings of anger are normal….I was so angry with every one, including myself and even at Tyler for leaving me! I’m still bitter about people choice of words and the stupid things people said to me/ us! The worst ” your young enough to have another baby” to which I screamed back at them… I don’t want another baby, I want that one back! The pressure of what your both going through will add stress to your relationship, you just gotta try and stand strong together. Tim is very quiet and doesn’t really like to talk about Tyler, even now. Although he come cemetery with me often. I still fight with myself in my brain, I just control it better then I used too. I hope some of what I’m saying makes sense and just do what ever you need to, to get through these early days xThank you, today feels even worse than yesterday, I just keep sinking – I had no idea I could feel this awful, I just want to scream and have my baby back, I’d do anything to hold her in my arms, it hurts too much at the moment. I’ve contacted my counsellor to see if she can fit me in at all as I’m scaring myself now and I know Matt’s struggling to cope with me, he’s still being very wonderful but I’m not helping him at all and I’m worried he’s going to run out of patience. He keeps telling me to be strong but I don’t want to be, I know that sounds so defeatist but I really don’t, I want to stay curled up under the duvet and hold Isobel’s baby grow that she was blessed in, it smells of her and I want to hold her again. We agreed on Friday that we wouldn’t go and see her again after we dressed her ready for Thursday but I want to see her so much, I can’t bear the thought that I’m not going to see her or hold her again, she’s my baby and I want her back and I want to scream myself hoarse and cry and shut the whole world out until I can find a way to have her back but I know that can never happen. I’ve just read this back and I realise I sound completely nuts, I just genuinely don’t know what to do, I haven’t slept for days and the sleeping tablets prescribed for me aren’t working, I literally lay awake all night crying and missing her and then morning comes and I do the same all day.
Aww yeah defo see if you can see your councillor earlier if that’s what you need. The period of time between loosing Isobel and saying goodbye is going to be the hardest you’ll ever go through. You can get through each day and you will, there are so many people around to support you. Whether you see Isobel again or not is completely your choice. You may change your mind 10 times….No one can tell you what you want. I will be thinking of you and your family on Thursday as you say good bye to your little princess x
Big hugs, I remember when we lost Emmie and you go through so many emotions and I promise you will get through it, just do what you need to, to get through each day and take every bit of support you can.
I will be thinking of you Thursday, the funeral was the day I was dreading, but when it came to it I wondered what I had worried about in the first place as it was a beautiful service and so will your day be for Isobel Rae!
Take care of yourself xxx
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