such mixed emotions

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  • #1406

      Hi everyone,
      So sorry I haven’t been about much I log on and try to catch up but don’t find the time to write,
      I am having such a bad day today on the eve of Kyle’s 2nd birthday I just can’t stop crying I have been trying to keep busy with jobs all day, last year I was pregnant for his first anniversary and this year I have Cian, I just can’t stop looking at Cian and wondering if my two boys would of been similer, then I feel bad cause Cian wouldn’t be here if Kyle was …. it’s all mixed emotions that I struggle to deal with on days like this, I know tomorrow will be a nice day, I think the eve is worse because it’s the day we found out there was no heart beat which means it’s really two days not one to get through.
      sorry I am going on a bit here but feel better for getting it off my chest.
      It’s not helping that I am getting married in two weeks and have so much sorting, I though I could make June a positive month by getting married in it rather than a month I seem to dread…….ummm seemed a good idea at the time.
      thank you for reading Jackie xxxxx


      Hi Jackie,

      I think you will always wonder what Kyle would of looked and how he would have been if he was here and I don’t think you should feel guilty about comparing him to Cian at all, I think it is perfectly normal and a natural way of thinking.

      I am currently 25 weeks pregnant and I feel guilty that I don’t spend as much time going up the cemetery because I am working and that I probably don’t spend as much time crying about Emmie now as I first did. But like you I wouldn’t be having this baby if Emmie was here and I am very greatful for another chance.

      You sound like you have so much going on at this time, just take each step / day as it comes and don’t beat yourself up about how you are feeling, if you feel like crying then don’t bottle it up.

      I hope tomorrow is a lovely day and that it is not as bad as you feel today.

      Happy 2nd Birthday Kyle x



        Hi Jackie

        As the days, months & then years pass we learn to deal with our grief day to day and the tears flow less. It does not mean we hurt less, we just found a new normal & way of coping, otherwise life would be unbearable. The anniversaries always make us reflect & go over those tragic events in detail. It’s Grace’s Birthday coming up too and I know that I’ll be wondering all the things you are & will have a good cry. I hope that today is calmer for you, the sun is shining for Kyle today.

        I didn’t realise your wedding was this month. Lots of emotions involved in organising a wedding too! When is it? Hope you have a fabulous day.

        Thinking of you & remembering Kyle today especially.

        Max, x

        Pork Chops

          Aww Jackie,
          I will be thinking of you today.
          Happy 2nd birthday to Kyle
          Sarah x


          Hi Jackie

          Big hugs coming to you huni be kind to yourself at this tough time.

          I too felt like that earlier this year on Sams birthday thinking about Lexi etc but as Carla said we are lucky to have been blessed with our little ones but it doesn’t stop us missing our butterflies any less Max is right we just learn to cope in different ways.

          Take care and feel free to offload that’s what this place is all about.

          Fly high little kyle and watch over your mummy today.

          Love Becs. Xxx


            Thank you for you kind reassuring words

            we had a nice day, I had two trips to the cemetery, one this morning and then this evening where I move his bits around on his grave and put them all back where they were in the first place !!!! this makes Tom laugh…
            I took Lily up this evening she wanted to let a balloon go, it didn’t get very far it got stuck in a tree 🙄 but we stayed long enough to see the wind release it 🙂

            Jackie x

            oh we are getting married on the 30th June, not long, feeling rather nervous, it all at the Lime Trees ….

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