Re: Feeling really rubbish x

#2282
gem32
Spectator

    Thank you, it does help to know that this is ‘normal’ – or at least as normal as life can be at the moment.

    We see a counsellor twice a week at the moment, its definitely helping as we can go together and it gives us a place we can really open up. I did lose it completely with Matt yesterday, I was so horrible to him, I felt so low and so angry and he was in a the mind frame that he needed to keep busy and I know I was frustrating him as he was quite snappy, its the first time we’ve been in such very different ‘places’ and neither of us were feeling very supported or supportive, I’m so disgusted at what I said to him though, I got very upset and screamed that he can’t miss her as much as me because he didn’t know her, I had five months with her and he only had a day, I feel so dreadful that I said it as in some ways I’m the lucky one, I got to know our baby girl so much and it was a horribly insensitive thing to say. We did sit down and talk it all through which was good and I apologised for what I said and he did for snapping at me so we’re fine, I know we are strong enough to get through this it just feels very hard sometimes to actually imagine a time where this isn’t our entire life.

    I just want her back, I want to hold her, I don’t like the way my emotions are changing to feeling angry and unfair, I know that many couple struggle to conceive at all and there are people far worse off than I am, I’m so lucky, I did get to meet my baby girl and I have a lovely, amazing partner who despite my vile moments is standing strong. At the same time I’m arguing with myself constantly, why did this happen to us? to me? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to mean Isobel had to say goodbye? I must have done something awful and I’m being punished for it, I’ve even thought that I must have been awful in a past life to deserve this, its all such a muddle in my head, I want to be able to blame myself or something so that I can focus all the anger at me/it but its just ‘one of those things’ according to the doctor, that we were ‘unlucky’ – Unlucky doesn’t come close, how is it fair, it shouldn’t have happened, she was our Rainbow and I miss her so much it hurts.

    I really am venting here, so sorry if its too much, just tell me – my heads filling up so quickly I need to empty it and I like the privacy of this forum as opposed to the likes of Babycentre etc.

    xx